When the Urge to “Fix” Yourself Gets in the Way of Change

So many of the people I work with come into therapy with a strong drive to get to the work. There’s an urgency, a readiness, a determination to finally fix what feels broken. Maybe you recognize yourself in this—you show up with a clear plan, a mental list, maybe even a deadline for when you should be “better.” On the surface, this energy looks like motivation. And in so many areas of your life, it probably has worked. But when it comes to healing, that very drive can become the thing that gets in the way.

This sense of urgency doesn’t come from nowhere. For most of us, it’s rooted in protective strategies that have been working hard for years. Perfectionism. Over-doing. Over-giving. Pushing yourself relentlessly. These parts of you have helped you survive, achieve, and manage. But when they show up in the healing process, they can lead to burnout, frustration, or harsh self-criticism—especially when progress doesn’t come as quickly as they’d like.

Here’s the hard truth: healing doesn’t respond well to an agenda. The process is often slow, layered, and counterintuitive. Instead of pushing harder, we have to do something different—slowing down, pausing to notice resistance, and gently working with the parts of your system that don’t yet feel safe letting go. This can stir up old trauma protections and feel deeply uncomfortable. But that discomfort is not a failure—it’s a sign that your system is wisely protecting what feels vulnerable.

I know from experience how frustrating this can be, especially for high-functioning, driven people who are used to tackling problems head-on. It’s common to feel exasperated with yourself, to wonder why you “can’t just get over it by now.” Part of my work is helping you recognize that this frustration is also a part of the system—a protective voice that believes pushing is the only way forward.

The shift happens when we stop battling these parts and instead learn to understand them. Change doesn’t come from force. It comes from awareness, compassion, and guiding your system toward safety. Over time, that urgency begins to soften, and you find yourself able to move forward with more ease, clarity, and trust in the process.

The following is a practice I often use to introduce client's to this process.

Practical Takeaway: Pause and Check In

In those moments when you notice the familiar urge to fix, push, or force change. Begin by taking a gentle pause and simply notice what’s arising without giving in to the urge. If you can sustain awareness, move through the steps below. If you find yourself continuing to give into the urge, fret not, gently return to awareness each time you notice yourself giving in. With repetition, this practice gradually creates more internal space—so keep practicing, patiently and kindly.

1. Naming the Voices

When you notice tension, frustration, or the push to “fix” something immediately, pause and mentally name the parts that are active. For example: “Ah, here’s the over-achiever,” or “That’s the part that wants control.” Simply naming them creates space and begins to reduce conflict between parts, helping your system feel seen and understood.

2. Gentle Breath Pause

Take a few moments to breathe deeply and tune into your body. As you inhale, imagine welcoming the part of you that’s anxious or frustrated. As you exhale, invite that part to soften or focus on your breath. Even 1–2 minutes of mindful breathing can help shift the system from urgency to cooperation, making it easier to respond rather than react.

3. Ask the Question Instead of Acting

Before jumping into action to “fix” a problem, ask your parts a question: “Which part of me needs to be heard right now?” Listen internally and notice what comes up. This simple pause encourages dialogue between parts and gives your internal system a chance to guide your next step, rather than acting from urgency alone.

Shifting the way you respond to these parts of your system is liberating, but attempting to create the necessary internal space and tolerance to get there is often frustrating. If this feels familiar, know that you’re not alone. I specialize in working with these high-achieving, agenda-driven systems, helping them slow down enough to actually feel safe in the work. It isn’t about doing more—it’s about finding a new way to relate to yourself, one that makes real and lasting change possible.

If you’re ready to explore this slower, gentler, but ultimately more effective way of healing, I’d love to support you in navigating it. Feel free to reach out for a consultation.