Perfectionism, Dear to My Heart...and often a complex mental health challenge

Perfectionism is something I hold close to my heart—not just because I work with it every day in therapy, but because I live with it myself. Like many high-functioning, driven people, I’ve experienced both sides of perfectionism: the way it helps me achieve, stay organized, and push through challenges—and the way it can leave me exhausted, frustrated, and stuck in a cycle of “never enough.”

One of the things I’ve come to realize—both personally and in my work with clients—is that perfectionism is rarely about being “perfect” at all. At its core, it’s about control and safety. We often hear the words “perfectionism” or “control” and immediately attach negative connotations, but really, these are just parts of us working incredibly hard to make life predictable and manageable. If things feel predictable, they feel safe. And if they feel safe, maybe—just maybe—we can finally relax.

But here’s the thing: when perfectionism takes over, it’s usually being driven by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of what will happen if we’re not “good enough.” That fear fuels the urgency, the pressure, the inner critic, and the endless drive to do, achieve, and manage. In its maladaptive form, perfectionism stops being about fulfillment and starts being about protection—and it leaves us feeling trapped.

This is where the real work begins. Not in shutting down perfectionism or fighting against it, but in exploring and redirecting it. Perfectionism is not the enemy—it’s a protective strategy being utilize by a part of you that wants good things for you and is trying to achieve those good things by doing what is does best, striving for perfection. This part of you needs help—and exploring how to offer that help is the heart of therapy.

In my work, I focus on introducing and reinforcing positive, compassionate, and supportive states—the antidotes to fear—while also gently exploring the protective system that perfectionism is a part of. Often, this drive is tied to past trauma. By identifying and separating out the trauma’s influence, the perfectionistic energy in your system can shift—creating permission to rest and release the constant pressure to control everything (because let’s be honest, we really can’t control it all). When perfectionistic parts feel genuine safety and support, they begin to soften, relax, and redirect their energy in ways that feel more balanced, sustainable, and fulfilling.

Perfectionism Redirection: From “Do It Perfectly” to “Do It Well Enough to Learn”

One powerful redirection I often use (and practice myself) is shifting from “I have to get this right” to “I’m here to learn.” For example, if you’re preparing a presentation, your perfectionistic part may insist it has to be flawless. Instead of fighting that part, you can acknowledge it: “I see you’re working hard to make this safe by controlling every detail. Can we try focusing on doing it well enough to learn from the experience?”

This is where the phrase “there are no mistakes, only learning” becomes so powerful. Every stumble or imperfection becomes part of the process—not a failure, but evidence that you’re growing. That subtle shift can make all the difference: it honors the part of you that wants to do well, while loosening the grip of fear.

Perfectionism, when guided with care and redirection, can actually become a strength. If you’ve felt stuck in the loop of pressure, control, and “never enough,” I want you to know there’s a way forward. My expertise lies in working with perfectionistic systems—helping clients uncover the fears driving the cycle, gently redirect those energies, and build the kind of inner safety that makes true change possible.

If you’re ready to explore this work, I’d love to connect. Together, we can uncover what perfectionism has been trying to protect and find a new way forward—one that feels both safe and fulfilling.